The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - the living dead

from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

I used to be a loner since forever. A loner and an introvert. I had nothing against being a somehow functional member of the society and, surprisingly, I was part of various groups, sometimes antagonist groups of people. Sometimes I even had people belonging to different groups get together on social occasions and then enjoyed to discussions arisen from the individuals’ discrepancies brought to the surface especially by alcohol. I could always navigate graciously the meanders of social interaction, but never felt that I belonged. Not to any group, not a specific place, not to anyone.

Since I was in my teens, I had this recurring dream, probably like many others: I used walk in a green field or a forest, with no apparent purpose, simply enjoying the scenery and most of the time I met a ‘her’. We would talk and she would clad me with a feeling of security and she would speak my language in a soothing tone. She would simply understand and complete me, and I would be able to share pieces of the real me, let the veils fall, and grow the intimacy of late night hour chats, heart to heart, soul to soul. In my dreams, ‘she’ actually never spoke and more importantly, I never

The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - Tuesday

God's playground

from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

I looked around at people with beliefs: Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans and so on and so forth. They all believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell, and that access to either is granted on grounds of some moral issues, acts if you want. It's not so relevant whether access to either is granted during this life or the other, what is relevant: it always requires some sort of passage ritual, preparation and all, especially the access to Paradise or Nirvana or whatever one may call it.

For me paradise was that day I decided suicide is the key, the answer to all my questions. It was a paradise I didn't know how to access until it was somehow presented to me. Now I realize that I managed to get there myself, on my own, without any help, yet I didn't know what I was doing. It was pure bliss what I felt
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